Love. It’s a word thrown around so casually, yet its true meaning remains one of humanity’s most enduring enigmas. From Haddaway’s desperate plea in “What Is Love” to REO Speedwagon’s unwavering devotion in “Keep On Loving You,” music is filled with explorations of this complex emotion. We’re left pondering: Is it a fleeting spark, a burning passion, or a deep, enduring connection? And how do we differentiate between genuine love and its alluring imposter, lustre?

Lustre, often mistaken for love, is a fascinating phenomenon. It’s that initial dazzling spark, the intoxicating feeling of infatuation. Neurochemically, it’s similar to love, triggering the release of endorphins and other “feel-good” chemicals in the brain. This is why it feels so incredibly similar to love. However, the key difference lies in the emotional connection. Lustre is primarily driven by attraction and desire, often focused on the surface level. It lacks the deep emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and commitment that characterize true love. Think of it as a switch that can be turned on and off. The person experiencing lustre can abruptly disconnect, leaving the other person confused and hurt.

The psychology behind lustre is rooted in our primal drives. It’s linked to the reward system in our brains, reinforcing behaviours that lead to pleasure and satisfaction. This is why it can be so addictive and difficult to distinguish from love, especially in the early stages of a relationship. It’s the excitement of the chase, the thrill of the unknown, and the anticipation of connection. However, it’s crucial to differentiate it from love, which takes time to develop and requires mutual respect, trust, and understanding.
No wonder Haddaway was so confused. His questioning highlights the importance of reciprocity in love. A genuine connection requires mutual care and respect. If one person is invested while the other is indifferent, it’s difficult to sustain a healthy relationship. Haddaway’s questioning suggests a possible realization that what he experienced might have been more akin to lustre – a strong feeling of attraction and desire that wasn’t reciprocated. The pain of unrequited affection is often a key indicator that what was felt was not true love,  but rather a projection of one’s own desires onto another person. This lack of reciprocation is a hallmark of lustre, where one person’s feelings are not mirrored by the other, leading to confusion and hurt.
REO Speedwagon’s “Keep On Loving You” speaks to the endurance of true love. The lyrics suggest a commitment that goes beyond the initial spark of attraction. “And I meant every word I said / When I told you that I loved you” highlights the sincerity and depth of their feelings. This contrasts sharply with the fleeting nature of lustre. Love, as exemplified by this song, is a choice, a commitment to stay even when the initial excitement fades.
Cigarettes After Sex, with their dreamy and melancholic sound, often explores the complexities of love and loss. Their song “Apocalypse” hints at the fragility of relationships and the lingering emotions that remain after they end. “You played dead, but you never bled” is a powerful line that can be interpreted in several ways. It could indeed suggest “ghosting,” a modern form of emotional disconnection where one party abruptly ends communication without explanation. It could also imply emotional unavailability within the relationship, where one person is present physically but emotionally distant. This emotional disconnect, whether intentional or not, begs the question: Why stay in a relationship where one person is emotionally absent? This echoes the uncertainty and pain expressed in Adele’s “Someone Like You.” While she sings about wanting to find someone like her ex, the underlying emotion seems to be more about healing from the hurt he caused rather than genuinely desiring a replica of him. This highlights the complex emotions involved in love and loss, and how we sometimes cling to familiar patterns even when they are unhealthy.
Love, in its purest form, is a multifaceted experience. It encompasses passion, intimacy, and commitment, as described in Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. It’s the comfort of knowing someone understands you, the joy of sharing experiences, and the unwavering support during difficult times. It’s not always butterflies and rainbows; it can involve conflict, vulnerability, and even pain. But through it all, there’s a deep sense of connection and commitment that binds two people together. Love is patient, kind, and forgiving. It’s about accepting someone for who they are, flaws and all.
Ultimately, the question of “what is love” remains a personal journey. It’s something we experience and define for ourselves. While songs can offer insights and perspectives, the true understanding of love comes from lived experience, self-reflection, and the courage to open our hearts to genuine connection. It’s about recognizing the difference between the fleeting allure of lustre and the enduring power of true love.