We’ve all been there. Like a spoon bending under pressure, we contort ourselves to fit the shape of a relationship, sometimes losing our own form in the process. It’s easier, isn’t it? To smooth out the sharp edges, to compromise and adapt, than to face the potential fracture of staying true to ourselves. We envision a future self alongside this person, a polished, compatible version, and cling to that image like a life raft. But what happens when the current reality doesn’t align with that vision?

Think about it: You’re stirring a cup of coffee, the spoon easily yielding to the swirling liquid. That’s how some relationships feel. You’re so used to the motion, to the give and take, that bending becomes second nature. But what if the coffee turns cold? What if the sweetness you expected never materializes? Do you keep stirring, hoping the temperature will change? Or do you finally recognize that the desired outcome isn’t coming, and put the spoon down?

I used to be a hatchet. Snip, snip, snip – the relationship was over, the ties severed with a clean, sharp break. No room for negotiation, no looking back. Then, I evolved into a bit of a self-flagellator. Relationship ended? It must be my fault. I’d dissect every interaction, searching for the flaw within myself. But lately, a different perspective has emerged. My loyalty to myself remains, a constant current even as I become malleable in the relationship’s flow. I see myself living a certain life with them, but there’s a growing awareness that they don’t share that vision. They don’t want the future we once discussed, the compromise we tentatively agreed upon.

In fact, it’s almost like we develop an alternative ego in these relationships. We become a slightly different version of ourselves, molded to fit the dynamic. We see this future self so clearly, the one where we’re happy and fulfilled, but it’s often contingent on the other person. The tricky part is, that person – that version of you – can exist independently. You can achieve that envisioned life, just… differently. The path might not be the one you initially imagined, but the destination is still within reach.

So, why do I get drawn back in?  Have you ever felt you are in a situation where time is your most precious commodity, a non-renewable resource, and yet you allow someone who doesn’t see a future with you to consume it? Why do we let them waste it? This, I think, is my “spoon moment.” The realization that bending too far, for too long, serves no one. And, more importantly, that the future I crave isn’t dependent on them. It’s dependent on me.

You have to make that happen. No one else is going to build the life you want. They might be a supporting character in your story, but they can’t be the author.

In the past, I’d compartmentalize. Relationship over? Pop – into a box on the shelf of my mind. Lid closed, problem solved (or at least, postponed). But this… this relationship won’t fit in the box. The lid won’t close. It’s like trying to force a square peg into a round hole. The feelings, the memories, the what-ifs spill out, refusing to be contained.

Perhaps this resonates with you. Have you ever felt like a spoon, bending to the will of a relationship? Have you ever tried to shelf a situation that just wouldn’t stay put? Have you ever recognized the alternative ego you create within a relationship, and realized that you can access that positive version of yourself independently? What’s your “spoon moment”? When did you realize that bending wasn’t the answer, and that you are the architect of your own future? Sharing your experiences can help us all understand the complexities of relationships and learn when it’s time to gently, but firmly, reclaim our shape and build the life we envision, on our own terms.

All my love, Jen xx